


Love Affair

by mirkwood131



Series: EXO Central [44]
Category: EXO (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Arranged Marriage, Cheating, Coming Out, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Romance, Sexual Tension, Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 12:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16681894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: As Baekhyun clutched onto the barrier, watching his train depart, he realized that he had made a huge mistake. He was in love with him after all.





	Love Affair

**Author's Note:**

> that was the worst title that i could come up with. anyways, going past that, i am once again not particularly happy with the way i wrote this, especially with the beginning paragraph and some of the end ones; but i was becoming too frustrated deleting and rewriting, so i left them as they are...hurrayy...  
> hope you'll enjoy:)

Baekhyun woke up on the 6th of May at 11’o’clock.

It was his birthday, his 23rd one.

He breathed in until his lungs started burning, and looked down at the street that was winding underneath his eyes. It smelled of lilies of the valley and pansies, a couple of their petals falling down on the window sill, next to his fingers. There was no trace of fog or mist, the sky clear, as it hadn’t been for the past few weeks.

Life was going back to normal. People were walking on the street, shouting at children that were laughing and running in front of them.

Someone knocked at his door.

“Yes?”

“Breakfast is ready, master Baekhyun.” a woman said, smiling. “You have a new assistant that your Mr. Byun chose for you while he was away in the city.”

“Alright.” he said, sighing.

Another assistant. Right after the incident with the last one. Why would he think that a new one would be any better?

He went down the stairs, wearing only a silk robe that’s stopped above his knees. The house was quiet, except for his bare feet on the soft carpet.

“Father.” he said and stopped.

“Why are you walking around like this?” the man asked, raising a bushy eyebrow, the grey, long hairs falling right above his eyelid.

“Because I have just woken up.”

“At 12 I have a meeting with some people from the Government. I expect you to be present and decent looking.”

“Of course. Reorganizing the world.” Baekhyun sneered. “Where is my new assistant?”

“In the kitchen. Waiting for you to deign to show. I admit no refusal. This is my last word.” the man said.

He opened a mahogany door which lead to a room furbished with shelves on all three walls, encapsulating a big window with bronze railings on the exterior. “At 12 sharp.” his father said and closed the door.

Baekhyun sighed and leaned on the wall, staring at his nails. The air was cold in the house even though it was the middle of spring. It had a chilling quality, seeping through the flesh, into the marrow of the bones, exactly like the fog from the other day.

In the kitchen, sitting at the table, he saw a man no older than him, maybe only by a couple of years, reading a newspaper.

“Hello!” the stranger said, and dropped the paper on the floor.

He sat up, pushing the chair aside with one hand.

“So you are my new…assistant…” Baekhyun smiled, biting the inside of his cheek. “Welcome!” he said, sitting sideways on a chair, placing his chin on its backrest.

“Yes, sir.”

“Call me Baekhyun. I am not my father.”

“Yes…Baekhyun.”

“Much better, right?! Liberating.” he laughed, standing up. “I don’t have many requests. And I’m not that picky or…stiff.”

“I understand.”

“What’s your name? My father didn’t tell me.”

“Do Kyungsoo.”

“Kyungsoo…I like it. Sounds great when you say it, doesn’t it?” Baekhyun asked, walking over to him. “I am going to change into something decent while you can fetch whatever to eat.”

“Anything?”

“I don’t give a damn.”

Baekhyun walked out of the kitchen, smiling to himself as he went up the stairs, into his room. The robe fell on the floor and he opened one of the two mahogany closets, tall as the room. Inside, there were dozens of white, silky shirts, cream colored ones, embroidered around the collars, other black and navy, as well as pants and robes, all flowing around the bronze hangers.

He chose a light blue shirt and a pair of black trousers.

Another knock at the door.

“Yes?!”

“Your father told…”

It was Kyungsoo, standing in the doorframe with his mouth agape, staring at the expanse of white skin before him.

“I am extremely sorry for-“

“I assume you have a cock too, don’t you?” Baekhyun asked.

“Excuse me?”

“You have a cock too…?”

“Yes, I…”

“Then this is not something that you have not seen before. Come on in.” he motioned with two fingers, “It’s cold on the hallways.” Baekhyun said.

“Yes…but…”

“It is alright.” he said, putting on the shirt. “I can never close the buttons just right. Would you help me?”

“Yes, of course.” Kyungsoo said and stepped towards him, until they were merely a couple of centimeters apart.

He started buttoning it up while Baekhyun watched the way his fingers were touching the soft material, sliding down, to the next hole, placing with exact precision the pale blue circle inside of it.

“Fantastic.” he grinned. “You are a fantastic assistant.”

“Thank you.”

Baekhyun turned around and grabbed the pants. He slid one leg at a time inside the openings, not hurrying up as Kyungsoo was watching him.

“Your father told me…”

“I know what my father told you. Are you also supposed to tell him everything that I do?” he asked, turning around.

“I…”

“Of course you do.”

“I…”

“Go, tell him, whatever you might think you should.”

“I wasn’t going to tell him anything.” Kyungsoo said, picking the robe from the floor.

“Leave it there!” Baekhyun said, his voice rising.

He sat down on the bed, grabbing the edges with his fingers, squeezing the fabric in his fists.

“I can’t even breathe in this fucking house without somebody knowing that. Will you be loyal to him or me…?” he asked and looked up at the other.

Kyungsoo swallowed and let the robe fall at his feet. The room was warm, smelling of perfume, floral and feminine, exuded by the fabrics and beddings.

“Do you know what happened to the last one?” Baekhyun asked.

He shook his head.

“I had an outburst…” Baekhyun said, looking up and then to the side. “I have them once in a while…and I knew he was chirping everything back to my father…each and every, every day. Eavesdropping…” he sneered. “And one day I got angry, so angry that I can barely remember what actually happened. But I found myself holding a vase that I smashed on his head. Just like that, one night when there was just the two of us at home.”

Kyungsoo breathed out and watched Baekhyun stand up and walk over to him. He stopped a couple of centimeters away, smelling exactly like the room, even sweeter.

“It’s your choice…I’d rather have someone on my side for once.”

“Alright.” Kyungsoo said.

“What?”

“I’ll be on your side.”

“And what if my father asks you? What will you say then? He hired you, not me…” he said, biting his lower lip as he kept shifting from one foot to another.

“I could lie…”

“Good…you could tell him what I want you to.” Baekhyun smiled. “Would you do that?”

“Yes.” Kyungsoo said, his gaze travelling down onto his face, down to the curve of his slightly bitten lips and thin fingers playing with a longer strand of hair.

“Good.”

“Do you need anything else?” Kyungsoo asked.

“No. I should go to my father’s office.”

Baekhyun waited outside the room for a while, counting his breathes until he knocked once and the door opened.

“Baekhyun.” the man smiled, placing a hand over his shoulders.

But inside the room there weren’t men from the Government. At the end of the oval table that reflected the chandelier above their heads, there was a woman-a girl, he thought afterwards-looking at him from behind her thick eyelashes that were embellishing her black eyes. Next to her, there was a man with grey hair and an equally grey moustache.

“Irene.” his father said.

She stood up, smiling, and walked towards him. Her hand was soft when Baekhyun took it into his, weighting it before he let it go.

“I am more than honored to meet you.” she said, lightly bowing down to him.

“Why would that be? I haven’t fought in the war, I didn’t save the country from perish. I am only the son of a much greater man.” he said, looking at his father, standing right behind the young woman with both arms crossed over his chest.

She laughed, glancing back at the one who was still sitting down.

“Enough, Baekhyun.”

“Mr. Byun.” she said, glancing back, “I do not mind. Your son is…charming.”

“Why am I here?” Baekhyun asked.

“Because…I want to you to meet your future wife.”

“Future…wife?” he sneered, one corner of his mouth dragging lower than the other.

“I would not tolerate another scene in front of our guests.” the man said, making a step closer to him.

“You would not, of course you wouldn’t.”

“Baekhyun…” the man whispered between his teeth.

“I shall show you the gardens, then.” he said to Irene, taking hold of her cold hand.

They went through the hallways in silence, Irene following him closely, until they stepped outside into the bright sun, filtered by the couple of tall trees in front of the house.

“I would have always passed by and wondered who lived here…” she said, looking at him.

Baekhyun smiled: “I’ve only started living here again a month ago.”

“Why is that so?” Irene asked, matching her pace to his, as her emerald dress was flowing along the soft curves of her body.

He laughed, brushing a hand through his hair: “The war and everything. We lived at our country house for the past couple of years.”

“I understand. We moved to the States for that while. I don’t know much about the war.” she said.

Baekhyun frowned. They stopped in front of the maze made out of rectangular bushes that had red flowers between the branches and small leaves. He stepped underneath the front arch made by two willows whose branches were almost connecting. Irene followed him inside, hidden behind tall shrubbery.

“I assume you and your father don’t get along, do you?” she asked.

“Why would you say that?”

“I…”

“It’s alright, we don’t.” Baekhyun laughed. “Or at least, on my part. He might tell you something else.”

“I am sorry.”

“Why would you be?” Baekhyun asked and stopped. “We will get married, aren’t we?”

“That’s what I was told.” Irene said, glancing down at the edge of her shoes.

Her dress seemed darker in that light, deep green, just as her black eyes. Baekhyun brushed away a long strand of hair from her face and Irene trembled, taking a step closer to him. Everything about her, from her lips to the curve of her nose and the way she curved her back, had a relaxed elegance, different from anything Baekhyun had ever seen before in a woman. She was a beautiful sight; he could look at her and always find a detail he had missed before. But he didn’t feel attracted to her; she was to him only a beautiful exhibit.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked, cocking her head to the side.

“How lucky I am to marry you.”

Irene smiled, looking down again while Baekhyun touched the tip of her chin with his index, bringing her face up, towards his. He kissed the corner of her mouth, and then took a step back.

“Your father must be waiting for us.” he said.

That day, he refused all food. He locked himself in his chamber, closing all blinds. Kyungsoo knocked at the door but received no answer.

He pressed down on the knob and it opened.

“Baekhyun?”

“What?” a whisper came.

The room was dark and when Kyungsoo’s fingers stopped above the switch, Baekhyun said, louder:

“Don’t turn on the light.”

A ruffle, there was movement coming from the circular bed in the middle of the room and then he could see Baekhyun’s shape rising up on it.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

“Your father sent me to-“

“I’ve told you that you are only loyal to me!!!” he yelled, throwing a pillow on the floor. “To me!!”

Baekhyun sat up from the bed and Kyungsoo noticed that he was still wearing the light blue shirt and the pants from the morning. Except that they were all crumpled, his hair disheveled in the dim light coming through the crack between the door and wall.  

“You came here to check on me and report back to him, haven’t you?”

“Baek-“

“Answer me!!” he said, stopping right in front of him.

He reeked of alcohol and tobacco, the scent clinging to his pale skin.

“No…I wasn’t going to tell him anything…that you didn’t want me to.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun breathed out, looking down. “He makes me marry someone he wants. He makes me live here, go there, marry that, do that, join that.” Baekhyun sneered, pacing around, with the arms at his back. “I am his puppet. His fucking toy!!”

Kyungsoo didn’t know what to do. In front of him was not the man he had imagined before. Byun Baekhyun was the exact opposite from the person from the newspaper, a lousy copy of somebody else.

“You’ll tell him that I am alright. You’ll tell him that I want to marry Irene, that I like her and that she likes me.” he said, stopping for a couple of seconds.

“Yes.”

He swallowed and started walking again, bumping into the edge of the bed once.

“Tomorrow night there is a charity ball. Charity after charity and nothing ever changes.”

“Then why do you keep going, then?” Kyungsoo whispered.

Baekhyun laughed, sharply, dryly and looked at him: “Do I have a choice?”

“I…”

“Yes, you judge me, don’t you?”

“I do not judge-“

“Of course you do. That’s what everybody that has worked for me did. Judged and thought they would play a better role of the son of the man holding all the power. But you can’t! Because you have to play by the rules, and I am the only one who knows them.”

“And what are the rules?”

Baekhyun sat down on the bed, placing his chin on the palms of his hands. He hummed, the sound too loud for the silence of the room while Kyungsoo kept looking at his small shape in the contrast to everything around; he was drowning in his clothes and among all the things scattered around.

The darkness was eating him whole.

“Obey.” he said.

“That’s it?”

“Come on.” he patted the bed. “Sit.”

Kyungsoo cleared his throat, leaving some space between their bodies.

“No…but they are not defined as some normal rules would. I cannot give you an explanation.”

“I understand.”

‘What will you say to my father?”

“That you are tired but pleased about the marriage with Irene. You find her beautiful and intelligent.”

“Alright.” Baekhyun sighed. “Now I want to sleep.” he said.

“I understand.”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Yes?”

“Today is my birthday.” he said.

“Happy birthday! But why haven’t you…”

“Because my father doesn’t celebrate anything useless such as birthdays. Have a good night.” he said.

The room felt too tight that night, the walls shrinking around him until he could barely breathe. Baekhyun woke up every hour during the night, hearing the branches hit the windows, staring at him with their empty eyes cut into the wood.

He threw all the clothes on the floor in the morning, and wore the silk robe again. Kyungsoo came with the breakfast around 10, when the sun was already drowning the room in its warm light.

“I have an idea for tonight’s ball.” Baekhyun said grabbing the cup of coffee from the tray. “Masquerade ball.”

“Isn’t it on too short notice?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Of course it is, but I am the one organizing it and I can change the rules anytime, can’t I? I even know what to do with the money…” he smiled, slurping the brown liquid. “Just announce someone about the change, would you?”

“Yes.” Kyungsoo nodded.

“Come on, sit down and eat too.” he patted the duvet, “I don’t suppose they give you decent food for breakfast, do they?”

“It is good.” Kyungsoo said, placing the tray on the bed, between them.

“The croissant is great.”

Baekhyun picked it up, tore a piece of it and brought it to the other’s mouth. “Come on…” he said and pushed it passed the seam of his lips.

“Good, right?”

Kyungsoo nodded.

“Take whatever you want.”

“What are you going to wear for tonight?”

“Who knows?” Baekhyun asked. “Open the closet.”

Kyungsoo stood up and did what he was told.

“What would you want me to wear? I’m the host.”

He skimmed through the shirts, touching some of them, feeling their softness under his fingertips. Finally, he stopped over a silk, burgundy one.

“This?” he said, pulling it out.

“I like it.” Baekhyun said. “Bring it here…”

Kyungsoo sat down again next to him, tracing his fingers over the material.

“I like silk. Feels good on the skin, don’t you think?”

He nodded.

“Come on, eat some more.”

There were crumbs all over Baekhyun’s robe and chest, falling down on the floor and beddings. Kyungsoo kept looking at them while he ate the rest of the croissant.

“I should first wash and then meet some friends before the ball.” Baekhyun said. “Would you mind preparing my bath? I could do it myself but I can never make the water warm enough and not boiling.”

He stretched his limbs like a cat, yawning as with two fingers he pulled the girdle of the robe that opened right away, revealing his pale chest, without any trace of hair.

“You can finish eating afterwards.” Baekhyun laughed and Kyungsoo stood up.

He glanced back one more time, catching a glimpse of the other’s pale skin, golden in the sunlight.

The bathroom was just as big as the bedroom. He turned on both faucets, swirling his fingers around the water until it felt warm enough, then poured a clear liquid smelling of roses into it, from one of the glass bottles standing on a rack, close to the sink. It smelled like that afterwards, too sweet to be natural.

“Thank you.” Baekhyun said, making him falter.

He was standing naked in front of him, like the day before.

“Are you embarrassed seeing me like this?” he asked.

Kyungsoo looked down, lightly shaking his head. He laughed, stopping at the edge of the tub.

“Help me wash. You see…” he whispered, stepping inside the water, while with one hand he was holding onto his shoulder, “I take advantage of you a lot. You are not supposed to give me baths…or…ahh, it is perfect.” Baekhyun smiled.

The water was reaching his chest by the time Kyungsoo turned the faucets off, soft bubbles floating around as he kept trying to catch them in his fist.

“I think…if I were to kill myself someday…” Baekhyun whispered, blowing some bubbles towards Kyungsoo, “I would caught my veins in a tub of hot water.”

Kyungsoo sat on the edge of it, staring down at the water that was glistening in the electric lightening.

“How would you do it?”

“I haven’t thought about it.”

“I think about it from time to time, just in case.” Baekhyun said. “You keep staring at my chest.” he laughed.

“It’s shaved.” Kyungsoo said, taking a handful of bubbled in his palm.

He looked at his face caught in them, small and elongated.

“Yes. I like the feel of it…soft. Like silk.”

“I suppose.”

“Could you wash my hair?” Baekhyun grinned. “Imagine I’m a kid and I don’t know how to do it. So you have to.”

“Alright. Where is-“

“On the rack. Right over there.”

He poured some of the white liquid on his palm, dripped some water over it and started massaging that onto Baekhyun’s hair.

“My mom used to do this.” he whispered.

“What happened to her?” Kyungsoo asked, scratching the scalp with his nail beds.

“Died. Like any woman of a powerful man does…I wasn’t that young when she did…You are good at washing hair.”

“Am I?”

Baekhyun shook his head, spattering bubbly water everywhere.

“Don’t do that!” Kyungsoo laughed.

“Or you’ll what…?”

Silence fell over them, but none minded it. Kyungsoo finished washing his hair and helped Baekhyun step out of the water, pulling a big, white towel to dry himself. His cheeks were ruddy and lips wet as he kept looking over his body with a glint in his eyes.

“I should get dressed.” he said.

“The red shirt?”

“Yes, yes.”

Baekhyun sat on the bed and threw the towel over the robe. “Put some lotion on me…”

Kyungsoo looked around and the other pointed to a drawer in the big closet. “The glass jar.”

The cream smelled of roses again, and maybe even vanilla and musk.

“Do you like the smell?” he asked.

“It is…extremely sweet for me.”

“Is it…”

Kyungsoo took some of the cream and looked at it, his hand halfway in the air.

“Start from my shoulders, then go over my chest, my arms and if you don’t mind, my legs. I could do it myself, but I hate how my hands feel afterwards.”

Kyungsoo placed his fingers on one bony shoulder, massaging in circles the skin until the cream seeped into. Baekhyun had closed his eyes, humming a song.

He was naked in front of him while his hands were roaming over his body. After the shoulders were done, his hand traveled further down, until it reached the chest. His nipples were pink and hard, small, like two buttons, and when he encircled one with his thumb, not daring to touch it, Baekhyun opened his eyes.

“You have nice hands.” he said.

Kyungsoo laughed.

He circled the second nipple and Baekhyun’s breathe came out broken. When he looked down, he was beginning to get hard.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered.

“What for?” Baekhyun asked, looking down too. “Oh…I’m sensitive…over there.” he said, biting his lower lip. “If you keep doing it, I won’t be able to control myself.”

Kyungsoo massaged both of his arms and then bent down to finish with the legs. They didn’t have any trace of hair either, except for the pubic hair.

“You know…if someone walked in right now on us…” Baekhyun said, “This would look extremely lewd.”

Kyungsoo blushed, looking up at him.

“Don’t worry, no one would. Did you think about it too?”

“About what?”

Baekhyun laughed.

“It doesn’t matter.”

After 1’o’clock, he left the house followed by Kyungsoo, who had never driven before a Mercedes.

“You shouldn’t have made me be the driver.”

“I don’t like driving and I trust you enough with it.” Baekhyun said, opening and closing the window.

“You shouldn’t.”

“Then we will die together, is that good enough for you?” he said and they both laughed.

He fully opened the window and placed both arms outside, waving them with the air that was brushing past the car; his hair flying in all directions as he kept smiling, glancing from time to time at Kyungsoo.

“Stop over there!!” he pointed to a green patch with trees on their right.

“What is it?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Nothing. Get out!!”

Baekhyun slammed the door and opened the one on Kyungsoo’s side, pulling him out by both arms.

“Come on, we don’t have much time.”

He pushed him on the grass and sat down right next, looking at the blue sky. Kyungsoo shook his head, laughing.

“I have the impression that I have known you from way before this…don’t you? I feel…so comfortable with you.” he said, falling down on his back.

“Your shirt…”

“Fuck it.” Baekhyun said and dragged him down.

He turned around and smiled. “Tell me…do you feel the same or am I just going nuts?”

“I…think…” Kyungsoo whispered, his gaze going down to the slight curve of Baekhyun’s lips, at the way the pink tip of his tongue licked their seam, going back inside the warmth of his mouth. He breathed out and brushed a strand of hair away.

“Let’s go. I don’t know what got to me.” Baekhyun laughed. “Come on, I’m going to be late because of you!”

They stopped in front of a restaurant with a big terrace, surrounded by plants and bushes, colorful umbrellas and red roses at the tables. In the back, at the biggest one, there were 2 men, all the same age as Baekhyun.

“Don’t wait in the car. Go for a walk. Come at 7, okay? And buy me a mask for the ball. Whatever you wish.”

“I don’t have…any money.”

“Of course.” Baekhyun laughed, sharp and vibrant, “here.” and handed him a handful of bills, tied with a green elastic.

“This is…”

“Shhh…” Baekhyun whispered.

He ran towards the restaurant as Kyungsoo looked at him, at his red shirt and gleaming golden hair in the sunlight.

“Gentleman!!” he said, hugging each one of them.

“Eccentric today?” the tallest of them asked.

“Heard you are getting married.”

“I suppose you all knew before me, didn’t you?” Baekhyun said, sitting down.

“Irene…saw here once, beautiful. I’m actually quite jealous that you got her with little effort.” the tallest said.

“Chanyeol, not my effort.” Baekhyun laughed. “Am I not supposed to marry the best woman possible?”

“Of course.”

“When is the wedding?”

“You tell me.”

“In 3 months. I bet it’s in three months.”

“Bet be it.” Baekhyun said.

“Masquerade ball, huh?” Chanyeol asked.

“The mystery. Love is mysterious, isn’t it?” Baekhyun asked.

“You tell us.”

“Jongdae…you are the married one. And almost with a child.”

“And I hate children.” Jongdae said, taking a big gulp from his drink. “And I didn’t marry the fairest of all from this shitting country.”

“But I am. Do you think her shits smell like roses?” Baekhyun laughed, suddenly thinking about Kyungsoo spreading lotion all over his body.

“Language!”

“Of course.”

They all left the restaurant at 6, after finish 5 bottles of wine; Kyungsoo was already waiting for him near the car.

“This is Kyungsoo, my new assistant appointed by my father.”

“Did you get a mask?” Jongdae asked.

“Of course. Where is it?” he asked Kyungsoo who pointed to the glove compartment.

It was a simple black one, with a thin handle and a couple of golden embellishments on the sides of it.

“I wasn’t sure what to…”

“It’s perfect.” Baekhyun smiled. “Is your wife coming?”

“Too pregnant to come. I don’t want her there anyways.”

“I can’t wait to see you with a kid.” Chanyeol said.

“Who said you will? Where is my coat?” he asked Kyungsoo.

“In the back.”

“Alright.” he said, pursing his lips.

The car stopped after a while in front of a building that seemed to be made out of hundreds of lights. Crowds of people were gathered in front of it, some climbing the stairs covered in a red carpet and others static. They got out of the car and Baekhyun breathed out.

“You go ahead, I’ll prepare the speech a bit.” he said.

“Alright, then.” Chanyeol said and followed Jongdae to a smaller group of people near the entrance.

“Your coat.”

“Thanks.” he tried to smile. “I hate speeches. Actually, I have none prepared for tonight.”

“And what will you do?” Kyungsoo said, helping him put the coat on.

Baekhyun shrugged. “I’ll find something to say.”

“Should I wait by the car?”

“Come inside with me.”

“But…”

“I make the rules, you forgot?”

“Yes.”

“Then, come on, I’ll be late because of you.” he said, grabbing the other’s wrist and pulling him along the path up to the base of the stairs of the building.

“I’ll keep looking at you, alright? Hopefully, you won’t judge my speech, right?”

“Of course.” Kyungsoo smiled and Baekhyun smiled back.

He placed the mask over his eyes and let go of his wrist. Everyone was staring at him as he walked inside, keeping a straight back and a slight arch of one corner of his lips. The shirt was glimmering in the artificial light, as well as his hair, falling over the contours of his face, making them less sharp. Some people were whispering, throwing him quick gazes that he would hold from time to time.

Baekhyun stopped in the middle of the room, on a raise in the floor. His throat felt dry, but right then, a waiter handed him a glass of champagne. He took it and swallowed the liquid in one go. It didn’t help that much, but he took the mask off, keeping it next to his body, and glanced over the gathering in front of him. Kyungsoo was standing in a corner, leaning on a pillar made out of marble, looking at him. He smiled and cleared his throat.

The noise ceased in that exact moment. Chanyeol and Jongdae were in the front row, still talking to two women that he knew from a distance.

“Ladies and gentleman! I call the Charity Ball open as of now!” he said and looked around, his eyes stopping again on Kyungsoo who smiled at him. “I would like to seize the opportunity to congratulate us on launching this outstanding fundraising campaign, for helping the impoverished of this grand country that suffered so much through the war. This is not only a night to enjoy ourselves-“he winked and everybody burst into laughter-“but to also feel in our hearts the happiness of those that we have helped being here today. All of us, together, united by one single cause, that to do good.” he said.

Kyungsoo nodded and Baekhyun looked again at Chanyeol and Jongdae who were still talking.

“I would like to thank my father, Baron Beomseok Byun, who guided me through this scorching mission that I laid upon myself. My friends-“and opened his arms-“Chanyeol and Jongdae, who had always been by my side. I thank you all for being here! I declare the fun open!” he yell, raising the empty glass in the air.

Everyone followed him and cheered, as Baekhyun stepped down from the small podium. Already, people were gathering around him.

“I have heard that you are getting married soon enough.” someone said.

“Yes, in a couple of months.” he smiled.

“Miss Irene is so beautiful and her family is with a history, like yours.” somebody else said.

Baekhyun nodded and pushed people aside, putting the mask back over his eyes. Kyungsoo was outside, near the car.

“How did I do?” he asked.

“Good. Didn’t expect it.”

“To be this good?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Kyungsoo laughed. “Aren’t you supposed to be inside, entertain the guests?”

“Am I a monkey and I don’t know about it? Let those idiots entertain themselves. Do you know where most of the money goes, anyways?”

Kyungsoo shrugged.

“You didn’t actually think my dear father would help the poor.” Baekhyun laughed. “In his pockets. Most of it, anyways. We do need to give some food and stuff to seem like we care.”

“And are you alright with this?”

“No…that’s why I said I’m only a puppet in his hand. They look like my ideas, but actually, they are his. I am younger, nicer, people like me.” Baekhyun said. “Do you like me?”

“Why do you tell me all of this?” Kyungsoo asked, looking at him.

“I have no one else to tell this to.”

“Do you trust me this much?”

Baekhyun laughed, taking a step closer to him. “You tell me…should I trust you with how I feel, I think, I really am?”

“You’ve known for just a couple of days…I could be telling all of this to your father…” Kyungsoo said, taking a step back until he touched the car with his back.

“Do you?”

Baekhyun breathed out and placed the mask again over his eyes.

“Baekhyun…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“You do, don’t you…? How much does he pay you…to chirp?”

Kyungsoo swallowed and looked down.

“A lot…I assume. For one like you, anyways. Wait me by the car.” he said and turned around.

Baekhyun walked back inside, smiling left and right. He took another glass of champagne that he drank in one gulp.

“Baekhyun…”

“Irene?!”

“I…I wanted to see you. Your speech was amazing.” she said, smiling.

“Was it?”

Irene nodded and Baekhyun sighed. “Let’s dance.” he said, placing a hand over the small of her back.

She was soft and warm in his arms, malleable as he kept spinning her around as the crimson dress was swirling in circles around her feet, raising at time from the ground, spreading a powdery scent over him. Irene was smiling at him from time to time while people were looking at them and for a moment, Baekhyun felt proud. The most beautiful woman was his to have.

“I can’t wait for us to get married.” she said.

Baekhyun smiled. He touched the side of her face, dragging his finger along its contours, down on the expanse of her white neck, knowing that everyone was watching them. She blushed, looking down, but he gently pushed her face up, towards his.

“You are so beautiful.” he whispered and kissed her on the lips.

It was short, but he knew it would make an impression, appear on every newspaper.

He left the ball late, feeling himself drowning in his clothes, melting over the sidewalk as he walked to the car followed by a group of men and women that he didn’t know who they were. All were laughing and Baekhyun felt his insides churn on the emptiness he felt in that moment, surrounded by people, but more alone than ever.

“Kyungsoo!” he yelled.

A woman stopped next to him, touching the back of his hand with her cold fingers.

“What are you doing?” he asked, brushing it away.

She pouted, sticking her body to his. “Get away…now.”

Baekhyun shook his head, feeling dizzy.

“What time is it?”

“5.” Kyungsoo said.

“Did you wait here?”

“Yes.”

Baekhyun burst into laughter, looking after the group of people that were disappearing into the dusty night. It smelled all like alcohol and nicotine.

“Get me home…”

He threw himself on the bed and breathed in the sweet scent of roses impregnated into his sheets; the smell of the lotion from the morning, but it all seemed like days ago, not only hours.

“Do you need anything else?” Kyungsoo asked.

“No…” he whispered. “Leave.”

Baekhyun closed his eyes. But he wasn’t tired anymore even though his limbs felt like made out of lead. The room was spinning at a constant pace as the darkness was turning into grey light, poking through the leaves. He watched it all cover the room, bright and warm on his cold skin. Even his mouth tasted foul.

The music was still in his ears and when he closed his eyes he could feel himself spin around the dance floor, having Irene in his arms. He shuddered and covered his head with a blanket thrown on the side.

A knock at the door and he stood up from the bed, holding on the wooden pole.

“Yes?”

“Your breakfast.” Kyungsoo said.

He looked exactly like the morning before.

“I have a headache.” Baekhyun said.

“I brought a painkiller too.” Kyungsoo said.

“You did?”

“You should eat something first.”

Baekhyun coughed and took the croissant from the tray. He weighted it, turning it around and sighed.

“I am not hungry. Coffee is enough.”

“Your stomach will hurt.”

“I don’t care about my fucking stomach!!” Baekhyun yelled.

They stayed in silence, him holding the croissant and Kyungsoo the tray.

“You are the only one who sees this part of myself.” he said. “Do you despise me now…? Knowing all of this?”

“I am payed by your father to-“

“But don’t you feel anything?! Are you that cold that you don’t even feel pity for me?” Baekhyun asked.

“That would not be allowed to feel such a thing…”

Baekhyun sneered, looking away. “I didn’t like my last assistant, maybe that’s why I threw that vase at him. But he didn’t know who I was.”

“I am being paid by your father to tell him whatever you do and…feel in a day.” Kyungsoo said.

“You are a liar too, you know that, right?”

Kyungsoo swallowed, putting the tray on the bed, behind them.

“But I don’t care. He can know whatever, I don’t care.”

“You do.” Kyungsoo said.

“Maybe I do, then…”

He started unbuttoning his shirt. “I want to take a bath.”

“And your headache?”

“Leave it.”

Kyungsoo went into the bathroom, turning the faucets again and pouring some of the transparent liquid into the water. He sat on the edge of the tub, watching the bubbles grow bigger and bigger, until Baekyhyun stopped next to him.

“Get undressed.”

“What?”

“Get undressed.” Baekhyun said, pulling at his shirt.

He unbuttoned it slowly, throwing it on the floor, then the pants and socks and underwear. The water was just right, a little too warm.

“How do you feel now?” Baekhyun asked, leaning towards him.

He turned off the faucets and crawled closer until he was straddling his lap.

“Could you tell this to my father?”

Kyungsoo shook his head, placing a hand over his back. Steam was raising from the water, circling Baekhyun’s face, dampening thin strands of hair that were falling over his forehead. His lips were glistening, slightly parted.

One hand rested on his chest, sliding a finger over the skin.

“Did you do this because I you wanted to or because…”

“I wanted to…” Kyungsoo whispered, tracing his hand lower on Baekhyun’s body, digging into the soft flesh of his narrow hips.

Baekhyun trembled in his arms even though the water was warm enough, reaching to his chest.

“Have you…” he asked, biting on his bottom lip, “ever been with a man before?”

Kyungsoo shook his head, sliding his hands upwards, to his stomach that quickly retracted under his touch, until his thumbs were brushing over his nipples.

“Me neither…”

He wrapped both arms around his neck, smiling.

“I don’t really know what I am supposed to do.”

Baekhyun looked at his lips and felt the need to bite them.

“Let me wash you.” the other said. “Turn around.”

Kyungsoo took the shower gel from the rack and spread some on the palm of his head as Baekhyun was now standing with his back towards him. He placed one hand on his spine, dragging it down to the base of his ass. Then, he went up, following with a second hand, stopping right on his shoulders.

“It’s nice.”

He massaged the nape of his neck, rubbing over both shoulder blades until it began to really foam up.

“My hair too?” Baekhyun asked.

“After I finish with your body.”

He shifted a little closer, until he was almost pressed against his chest, but leaving enough space for Kyungsoo’s hand to slide between their bodies. His arms came next and then his chest and belly; it tickled, as he only used the pads of his fingers, lightly dragging them over his skin. The hand went further down, stopping right at the beginning of his pubic hair.

Kyungsoo coughed, taking both hands out of the water. Baekhyun laughed and looked behind at him.

“Are you embarrassed?”

“A little.”

“Me too.”

He poured shampoo on his hair and started massaging it while Baekhyun kept lowering his head until he could almost see his eyes and tip of the nose.

“Sit nicely.” Kyungsoo laughed, pushing him forward.

“I can’t help wanting to see that face of yours.”

“Do you?”

“Of course.” Baekhyun said and glanced back at him, poking the tip of his tongue.

Kyungsoo splashed him and Baekhyun giggled, doing the same to him.

“We’ll drown the bathroom.”

“Who cares?”

“Baek…”

“You should call me Baek from now on. Or at least when you like me a lot and not despise me. That’s how I know you still have feelings for me.” he said.

“Alright.”

“Good. What should I call you then?”

“Kyungsoo?”

“Why are you so boring?” Baekhyun asked, leaning on his chest while his head was resting on his shoulder. “Kyungie…”

“No.”

“Soo?”

“Baek…”

“Let it be Soo.”

“Why do you want to-“

“Just indulge me a little.” he said and sat straight, “Considering that my father pays you double to spy on me, at least do that.”

Kyungsoo sighed.

“I won’t let that drop and you know it. You are a traitor, after all, and I cannot trust you anymore with anything important.” Baekhyun said and straightened up. “The water is cold.”

He stood up from the bath and stepped on the cold tiles. “Could you bring me a towel?”

“Of course.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun watched him disappear from the bathroom and return holding a big, white one that he covered himself with. For the first time, he felt strange being naked in front of somebody else.

“I’ll manage everything else myself. You can leave.” Baekhyun said.

“I…”

“I want to be alone.”

Kyungsoo left after he quickly got dressed, still wet from the bath. Baekhyun felt bad, watching him do all of that in such a hurry, but other thoughts shadowed that. He spent the entire day in the library, reading whatever books he had found on the shelves.

“My son reading?”

“If I want to be on par with you, I should.” Baekhyun said, closing the book in front of him.

“The wedding is next week. Simple, just a ceremony and the restaurant celebration with only a couple of friends and relatives. You do not want to spend more on such trivial things. You care about the country and its people that barely have anything to eat. Understand me?” the man asked, sitting down next to him.

“Why? You sold guns for the enemy in secret.” Baekhyun said.

“Because…” his father sighed, “your imagine matters. You must be loved by the public. Adored. The little saint who wants to save our beloved country. And our business will go unnoticed behind all of that. Put the attention on other things.”

“Draw the attention from your new deal, isn’t it?”

“All that I do is for your good.”

“Honestly?” Baekhyun asked, pushing the chair away, which creaked in the silence.

“One day you’ll inherit my legacy and then you’ll have to protect it!” the man said, raising his voice.

“I don’t fucking care about your fucking legacy!!” Baekhyun said, kicking the chair with his foot.

It fell on the floor, taking one of the books down with it. “I don’t want to sell guns for others to kill people!! I don’t want to lie and pretend when I don’t! You don’t care that people are starving or that I don’t want to marry her…you’ve never asked me…” Baekhyun whispered.

“You would have said ‘no’, of course. There is no love, Baekhyun. People don’t marry for love. They marry for money and financial situations.”

“And what am I marrying her for, then?”

“Her status. People love her. People love you too. Together, you’ll be the most loved couple in this country.” the man said.

“She fled somewhere else when the war started. That’s what you call-“

“What was she supposed to do? You’ll marry her and act happy. At least for whoever sees you outside your house. The rest is your business. Find a mistress, if that’s what you wish, but in secrecy.”

“I can’t believe you.” Baekhyun said and left the room.

It was almost night when he closed the door to his bedroom and sat down on the bed. Everything was too quiet, only the bed squeaking from time to time when he moved. He lied down and stared at the ceiling disappearing into the blackness coming from the window. Only the thin branches were floating around the walls, like thin snakes.

He fell asleep at some point and woke up from a knock at the door.

“I brought you something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.” he said, covering himself with a blanket.

“You have to eat, Baek.”

He smiled and pulled the cover aside.

“You like me now?”

“I do.” he said, sitting down next to him. “Hot chocolate.”

“And you?”

“I already ate.”

“Come on. I have an idea.” he said, shifting backwards and placing two pillows on the frame of the bed. “Sit.”

He patted the mattress, looking at the other. Kyungsoo covered them with the duvet while Baekhyun started sipping from the mug, humming from time to time. “Tomorrow I’m going shopping for a new suit and then I’ll meet with some people.”

“For the wedding?”

“Exactly.”

He placed the mug on the night stand and leaned his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“You should still eat.”

“I’m alright.”

Kyungsoo covered his hand with his own under the blanket, intertwining their fingers. Baekhyun’s were slender and soft next to his, warm, with the blood pulsing right underneath the skin.

He nuzzled at his neck, placing a kiss on its column, close to the pulse point. Baekhyun shuddered, coming closer to him until their arms were pressed against each other.

“Baek…” he said, cupping his face with his free hand and kissing his top lip slowly. “What if somebody walks in on us?”

“They won’t…”

Baekhyun kissed him too, lingering over his mouth, eager to taste its insides, as his lips were soft and plump.

“I’ve never…kissed a man before but I’ve always wanted to know how it feels like.”

He kissed his chin and the corners of his mouth, before he bit down on his lower lip like he had always imagined it. Kyungsoo moaned, letting go of his hand to comb his fingers through his hair. It was soft, barely washed, leaving the sweet scent of roses all over his fingers. Even his mouth tasted sweet, intoxicating, small and wet.

Baekhyun felt little in his arms, cold, even though his blood was so warm, just beneath the flesh he was touching. It didn’t feel like kissing a girl, but he couldn’t compare it to anything.

“I’m…” he whispered, caressing his reddened cheek.

“Yeah…” Baekhyun said, kissing his neck again, lower to his clavicles. “Do you want to see me naked again?” he asked, looking up at him.

“I…”

“I don’t like sleeping with clothes on anyways.”

He threw his shirt aside and sat up on his knees.

“Pity it’s so dark.”

The pants followed but when he reached his underwear, his fingers faltered, bent underneath the elastic band. He laughed, pulling it down his legs.

“I was thinking about shaving that too.” he said. “Would you like it?”

“Maybe…”

“Only maybe…”

He sat on the bed straight, in front of Kyungsoo, bending down on his forearms.

“I would be all soft…like a woman. Maybe you’d like that better.” he said.

Baekhyun straddled his lap, sitting down on it.

“Once…I heard someone talking that gay men fuck each other in the ass. But won’t that hurt?” he asked, placing both arms around his neck.

Kyungsoo covered him with the blanket, leaving only his chest partially bare.

“Women get wet when…” he whispered, placing a kiss on his shoulder, “maybe I need to get you wet too.”

“How?”

“Oil?”

“Sounds disgusting.” Baekhyun laughed.

“But it won’t hurt as much.”

“Well…if that’s your expertize. I don’t have a better idea.” he said, kissing his jaw. “Would you get some?”

“Now?”

“Well…in one week I’ll have a wife with who I’ll share this bedroom. I don’t have that much time to try this, do I?” he asked.

“I’ll get some.”

“Do you really want to do it? With me…?”

“Yes.”

“Alright.” Baekhyun said and sat aside, making space for Kyungsoo to stand up and leave the room.

He covered himself with blanket fully, breathing its faint scent. His heart was beating faster and faster, thinking that any minute Kyungsoo would return and then, he wouldn’t really know what to do. Was Kyungsoo only giving in to his wish, with no desire to do it?

Maybe he imagined all the time that he was a woman.

“Are you asleep?”

“No…” Baekhyun whispered.

“We don’t have to do it now…”

“But I want to.” he said. “Is that going to be enough?”

“I think so…” Kyungsoo said. “Let me get undressed.”

Baekhyun watched him discard his clothes on the floor, remarking how different their bodies looked like. His was muscly, well built, dark hair trailing down from his chest, to his groin and legs. He had never liked it on himself.

Kyungsoo breathed out and crawled underneath the blanket next to him.

“What now…?”

He laughed, getting closer to him. “Kiss?”

“Sounds good…”

Kyungsoo kissed him first, slow and soft, tracing his fingers over the curve of his body, lingering in certain spots, pinching the skin until Baekhyun would giggle, until they stopped right on his back, at the base of his spine.

“Uhm…wait a second.” he said and turned around, pouring some oil over his fingers.

It slipped between them, on the floor and then on the sheets.

“Are you…”

“Not yet.”

Baekhyun kissed him as his hand returned on his back, sliding between his ass cheeks until it found a tight warmth. He clenched around the first finger pad entered.

“Kyungsoo…” he whispered into his neck.

“Does it hurt?”

“It’s…uncomfortable.”

“We’ll do it another time.” he said and removed his hand.

“I’m alright.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. You are scared.” he said, rubbing small circles on his back, up on his spine.

“I am not…I just…If I were a woman, you wouldn’t have had to…it would have been so easy to fuck me.”

“We’ll do it another time.” Kyungsoo smiled.

He kissed him on the lips, brushing away the stray hairs with his clean fingers.

“Okay…”

“I don’t want to hurt you, that’s all…”

“But I’m still hard…” he whispered, kissing him again. “Could you not take care of that at least?”

“Okay…s-sit on your back.” he said and Baekhyun did just so, placing his head on the pillow, staring at the ceiling.

Kyungsoo hovered over him, sliding between his legs that he lifted up to circle his middle. It felt strange but soon after, when he started moving on top of him, he stopped thinking about anything; his heart was beating in his ears, in sync with his body movements. Everything was becoming too warm, the skin he was touching that was threatening to melt right into his. His body was heavy over his, but he enjoyed the weight pressing down on him, the way Kyungsoo’s fingers would brush away a strand of hair and kiss him over both eyes and cheeks and lips.

Baekhyun woke up in the morning to an empty bed. The side where Kyungsoo had slept was cold and the clothes had disappeared. He wondered if anything really had happened the night before, but when he looked down, right on his inner thigh, he saw a bruise in the shape of a mouth.

A giggle escaped his lips.

“Good morning…”

“Why did you leave?” Baekhyun asked.

“Because…I’m at work and otherwise I would be fired waking up whenever I wanted.”

“Then I order you to sit in bed with me.”

“Your father requested to see me afterwards, Baekhyun.” he said, placing the tray on the night stand. “Eat and then go buy a suit for the wedding.”

Kyungsoo didn’t look at him when he stepped back from the bed and Baekhyun didn’t feel like saying anything else. He knew quite well what all that meant.

“You can leave now.”

The door closed behind him and Baekhyun buried his head in the pillow. His body ached where he had been touched last night, the bruise pounding on his thigh. He was glad nothing more happened.

Outside it was cold and raining. He left without looking for him, driving the car himself. Chanyeol was already in front of the shop, waiting for him underneath a big, blue umbrella.

“What a surprise!” he said, patting his back.

“Isn’t it? Where’s Jongdae?”

“His wife is giving birth right now. I assume it’s a girl.”

“Pity. I don’t trust your taste in anything.”

“Not even in women?”

“Not even.” he laughed.

Baekhyun bought the first suit that he had put on as Chanyeol had tried to argue that a few more wouldn’t hurt anybody.

“Why bother?”

“It’s your wedding day.”

“Of an arranged marriage.” Baekhyun said and threw the paper bag in the back of his car.

“That’s some way to see it.”

“Of course it is. But if you detach enough from it, it’s like anything you do every day, only with a bit more people and preparations. Even that can be forgotten and by the end of it, the marriage becomes nothing more than eating a sandwich in the morning.” he said.

“You really don’t want to marry her, do you?”

“Have I said anything like that?” Baekhyun laughed. “I’ll give you a ride.”

“Only because you don’t trust yourself enough with it?”

“Irene is a good match.”

“You are avoiding my question.” Chanyeol said, opening the window of the car.

“Because it was a stupid one.”

“As you say.” he laughed. “Your children will be short so pray for girls only.”

“Asshole.” Baekhyun laughed.

He stayed for the rest of the in the library, surrounded by two tomes of books and a cloud of smoke growing bigger and bigger around him. The windows were closed as he was smoking cigarette after cigarette, leafing through the books while writing words in a leather notebook.

“This place…” the intruder waved his arms around, opening the doors and windows wide open. “Stinks. How didn’t you asphyxiate in here already?”

“I like the smoke. Now close the door.” Baekhyun said.

“What are you doing?”

“What you see.”

He wrote another word down and turned the page.

“Père Goriot.” the other read, taking the book from the table. “En français, bien sûr.”

“Give it back.” Baekhyun said, grabbing it from his hands.

“Are you telling me that’s what you did all day?”

“Yes, Jongdae. Teaching myself French while you watched your wife give birth. Another question?”

“You woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” he laughed, leaning on the table. “In how much time will you learn it?”

“By the end of the month I’ll be fluent.”

“You could pay a teacher.”

“What use? I can do it myself.” Baekhyun said and looked up at Jongdae who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I came to tell you that I have a baby boy named Jongin, but I assume that annoys you too.”

“Congratulations!”

“You’ve said it like I’ve won at the lottery.”

“How was I supposed to say it, then?”

“Like you cared one bit.” Jongdae said and made a step forward. “Freshen the air.” he coughed. “It’s horrible inside. And why do you need to learn French just now?”

“To have you ask me that. Because…” he tapped his fingers on the blank page.

“You wanted to prove someone something. Or yourself, doesn’t matters…” Jongdae sighed. “Get some fresh air and eat. I’ll get home to my wife because my presence it’s not welcomed right now.”

Baekhyun didn’t say anything else, only watched Jongdae walk out of the room and leave the door wide open after himself. The book was still open in front of him, still half of it to go through.

He envied Jongdae, if he thought about it; going home to a wife and child he cared about, only worrying about what he would eat during supper. The air suddenly became stifling so he opened another window and lighted the last cigarette in the pack. He couldn’t remember any word he wrote down so he turned around and looked through the notes, without being able to read anything. The letters were meshing with one another, jumping off the page.

“I brought dinner.”

His fingers faltered on a page, crinkling it; he looked back at Kyungsoo standing in the doorframe.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Your father-“

“Fuck my father! Tell him to shove that up his fucking ass!” he yelled and threw the books on the floor.

Baekhyun hadn’t left his room and library until the wedding day. The morning was grey and when he woke up with a knock at the door.

His room was cold.

“What?”

“I came to help you prepare.” Kyungsoo said.

“I should fire you.” Baekhyun said, standing up.

Even his throat ached, dry and cracking on the inside, the pieces crumbling down into his empty stomach.

“Where is the suit?” Kyungsoo asked, opening the main closet.

Baekhyun shrugged, sitting down.

“You should take a bath first.”

He stopped in front of him and encircled his wrists with his fingers; pulled him up until they were standing face to face.

“Baek…don’t do this…” he whispered.

“Please don’t call me that…”

“Come on.”

Kyungsoo pulled him towards the bathroom, having no resistance from the other, following him into the even colder room. He turned on the water and poured the same rose scented liquid into it. One at a time, he unbuttoned his shirt and then slid it down his arms until he remained bare in front of him. Baekhyun wasn’t saying anything, shivering harder and harder with his naked feet on the white tiles. It was beginning to smell of roses, not anymore of the faint nicotine scent impregnated into his skin.

“Get inside.” Kyungsoo said, motioning him towards the tub.

Baekhyun looked at his blurred reflection in the water that kept rising and forming more bubbles. He placed one foot inside and counted to 10 in his head before he put the second one. The water was too warm, almost burning, but he didn’t complain. Sat down, having it reach his chest. His skin became red.

“Is it too warm?” Kyungsoo asked, waving his fingers inside.

“It’s fine.” Baekhyun swallowed.

He felt like a child. The bathroom was too white, too bright, too big. It smelled too strongly of roses.

“Let me help you wash.” Kyungsoo said and poured some water over his hair.

He rubbed his fingers over the scalp as Baekhyun closed his eyes. His skin was pale, paler than when he had first seen him, but not the kind of healthy pallor; lips chapped and breathe trembling. Baekhyun opened his eyes and looked at him.

He traced a finger over his cheek, stopping close to his mouth. The lips slightly parted and he rested his thumb over his bottom one, dragging it down.

“Would you kiss me?” he asked.

Kyungsoo nodded and leaned in. He tasted just as sweet, sweeter than before and he knew he had missed it, feeling that warm and wet mouth over his; the tongue linger on the edge of his teeth, coveting every inch of his body.

“Baek…”

Water was dripping around, on his clothes as he wrapped both arms around his neck and glued him to his body, infiltrating to his skin.

“Baek…”

He stopped, looking at him. Kyungsoo cupped his face and he leaned onto it, rubbing his cheek over the callous skin of that palm. “I don’t want to do it…” he whispered.

“I know…”

“Let’s run away…”

“Baek…”

“Let’s run away and hide somewhere…please…” he said kissing him again all over the face until he stopped on his lips.

“We can’t. You can’t.”

“Why…?” he whispered. “Why can’t I? I don’t need this life.”

“Because…this is who you are. You can’t run away from it.” Kyungsoo said, placing his forehead over his.

He got dressed in silence, with Kyungsoo watching him from the edge of the bed, straightening around his bedroom, putting everything in their spot; opening the windows and placing from time to time a kiss on his cheeks or lips.

“Come on. You’ll be late.” he said.

The ceremony was small and simple, exactly like his father had told him. He was there, standing in the front row with a woman much younger than him. Irene looked beautiful in her white dress, smiling at him while he took her hands into his and said his vows. There were only a couple of people, but too many photographers and journalists, taking pictures every second, with their bright flashlights. He looked back and saw Kyungsoo at the edge of the row of chairs, looking at him.

Irene leaned in and he kissed her on the lips, placing an arm over her middle. He smiled for the cameras, he smiled at her, he kissed her again on the cheek and she giggled.

The happiest man was there, in all the photographs. Another one, next to his father and young mistress, with Irene in between them. The next one with her family and only his father. His cheeks were hurting, his eyes aching from the bright lights.

“Come on, let’s go to the restaurant.” his father said, keeping him behind with him. “You did well.”

“Did I?” Baekhyun asked. “Have I respected all of your wishes?”

“You know I want you to be well and good.”

“I would live better without your fucking concern.” he said and walked faster ahead of him until he reached Irene and kissed her again while Kyungsoo watched him from further away.

Chanyeol and Jongdae were there at the restaurant with them, as well as many people he hadn’t seen in his life before.

“It is so beautiful here.” Irene whispered in his ear.

“Not more beautiful than you are.” he said, touching her hand.

She smiled, blushing at his words.

Baekhyun lighted a cigarette but immediately, the woman started coughing.

“Don’t mind me.” she said.

“I’m going to smoke outside.” he said.

The air was cold and he was only wearing his white shirt.

“You’ll get sick.”

“How did you get here?” Baekhyun asked, walking towards the dark corner where Kyungsoo was standing, right underneath an oak tree.

“Took a cab.” he shrugged.

Baekhyun blew out some smoke and Kyungsoo took the cigarette from his fingers and placed it between his lips.

“Didn’t know you smoke.”

“You didn’t ask.” Kyungsoo said and gave it back to him.

Baekhyun stepped closer to him and glanced behind, but everything was still and quiet, except for the light coming from the windows of the restaurant.

“You should go inside.”

But Baekhyun threw the stump on the ground and pressed himself at his chest.

“I want to stay here with you.”

Kyungsoo laughed and placed a hand over his back. “You’re freezing.”

“Not anymore. Kiss me…” he whispered.

“You are married.”

“Arranged marriage.”

“It’s still a marriage. She is your wife.”

“That I don’t want. I have to be nice to her but I don’t feel like kissing her or-“

“You kissed her plenty today.” Kyungsoo said and pushed him away. “Get inside, you’ll be sick.”

“Say my name.”

“Baekhyun…”

“So you don’t like me anymore?”

Kyungsoo shook his head and sighed.

Baekhyun walked back inside, trembling, but not from the cold. He rubbed both hands together and sat down.

“You went outside like that?” Irene asked.

“Don’t worry.” he smiled, brushing away a long strand of hair from her face.

“But I do.”

By the end of the night, he finished 5 glasses of wine and 2 of champagne. The room was spinning with him and everything was so amusing to him: the marriage, Kyungsoo and how perfectly pretty Irene was in front of him. Everything seemed surreal.

He took off all his clothes and sat on the bed.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered.

Irene closed the door and the room became so dark that she couldn’t see where to step.

“For getting this drunk.” Baekhyun laughed.

“It is alright.” she said, finally bumping into the bed and sitting next to him.

He touched her waist with his fingers, feeling the silky material glide with ease between them, and stopped on her thigh, where it gripped the flesh.

“We should sleep tonight.” he said, shifting on the bed until his head was resting on a pillow.

Irene didn’t say anything else and Baekhyun wasn’t sure when he had fallen asleep. In the morning, he woke up next to her, still dressed in her wedding gown, cuddled at his chest. Her hair was over his arm, in long brown strands that smelled of lavender and her eyelashes were almost touching her pale cheeks. Baekhyun caressed her cheek, tracing an imaginary line down to her long neck, stopping right where the plump curve of her breasts was beginning.

But then, he thought about Kyungsoo, about the way he felt in his arms.

Irene breathed out warm air on his skin and opened her eyes.

“Good morning.” she smiled.

“Morning…” he said and kissed her slowly, trying to ignite something in his chest with each touch of their mouth; her lips were soft, her mouth warm and welcoming, but no matter how much he tried, his body remained indifferent to it. Her breasts pressed against his chest through the thin material, and she curved her back when he bit down on her bottom lip.

In his head there only came images with Kyungsoo, and his chest would feel with such a warmth, reimagining the tub of hot water that smelled of roses and his fingers combing through his hair.

Irene unbuttoned his shirt with shaky fingers, missing every each time until she finally slid it down his body.

Where was Kyungsoo? He wondered, feeling guilty for doing such a thing so close to him; knowing that he could be on the other side of the wall as he was there in the arms of another person.

He undressed her, not looking at the naked body in front of him. Closing his eyes shut, he did it, slowly, trying not to enjoy any moment of it.

“I’m going for a smoke.” he said, standing up and searching for the robe through the closet.

“I can come with you.” she said.

Irene covered her nakedness with the blanket, standing up from the bed. He put the silk robe on, feeling its coldness on his heated skin.

“Rest. And call for breakfast.” Baekhyun said and kissed her on the forehead.

The air was cool on the hallway, raising every hair on his body. He knew where Kyungsoo’s room was, only he hoped that he was still inside.

It opened after the first knock.

“What are you doing here?” he whispered.

Baekhyun stepped inside and closed the door. “If anyone sees you…like this.”

“You don’t like it?” he raised an eyebrow.

“This is not a game. Your reputation is at stakes if anyone finds out about-about…” Kyungsoo said, sitting on a chair.

“You could at least be a little happy to see me. I thought about you.”

“While you had sex with her?” he raised an eyebrow.

“You told me to-“

“That’s none of my business what you do with her.”

“Then why I are you like this?” Baekhyun asked and stopped right in front of him, pushing his legs apart with one bare knee.

“You know why…” he sighed.

“I want to hear it from you.”

Kyungsoo gave in and let Baekhyun stand between his legs, while his hands were resting on his shoulders; he smelled different, of lavender. His fingers entered the belt hooks on the robe, pulling them down.

“So…”

“It would be wrong and risky for you…”

“You care about my well-being so much?” Baekhyun asked; he tugged on a couple of hair strands from his head and Kyungsoo moaned lowly.

“Does it matter to you if I do or do not?”

“I like to think that you do…”

“Then think that.” Kyungsoo said, unknotting the cordon over his middle.

The ribbon fell down and the robe slowly undid. Baekhyun breathed out, placing the other’s hand over his middle, right on his pointy hips. Kyungsoo kissed his chest and licked up, towards his erect nipple. He took it into his mouth and sucked, using his tongue to flick over the tip.

Lower on his back, his fingers grabbed at the skin, moving towards the curve of his ass. He slapped it, feeling it tremble beneath his palm.

“What would your wife say if she saw you all bruised?”

“I don’t care…”

“Yes, you do.” Kyungsoo said and looked up at him.

“Why did you stop?” Baekhyun asked, placing his hand back where it had been.

“It’s getting late and I was supposed to serve you breakfast.”

“We could eat it in here…”

“Baek…”

“So you like me, then…?”

Kyungsoo kissed the center of his chest again and picked the ribbon from the floor. “I need to do my duty…”

“Your duty is to me and I-“

“You are so selfish sometimes. So selfish.” Kyungsoo said, tying the cordon around his middle.

“And do you not like it?”

“Depends... Now go!”

He slapped him again, over the robe and Baekhyun laughed.

“Alright. But if I sneak in at night, you won’t get mad, will you?”

“Depends.” Kyungsoo laughed that time.

Baekhyun looked out of the window and saw the world moving around him, the cars passing one after another on the street, the people walking alone or talking to somebody else. The house was quiet, the flooring creaking underneath his feet as he walked down the hallway, stopping in front of every window. Everything had a blue hue plastered on top, from the thin strips of clouds to all the buildings casting shadows on the asphalt. There were a couple of holes in it, irregular, with jagged edges from which weeds were growing out.

He breathed out and returned to the bedroom. The ring was still there, on his finger; but he had forgot about it, didn’t pay any attention to it.

“Breakfast came.” Irene said, already eating a croissant. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

The world seemed funny that day to him. He went to the library again after breakfast and continued with a different book, the dictionary on his left and the notebook right in front of him where he would write from time to time a couple of words in his slanted handwriting. The door opened and Baekhyun hoped it would be Kyungsoo. Two hands stopped on his shoulders. It smelled of lavender.

“What are you doing trapped in here?”

“Studying.”

“Studying. What?”

He closed the book, keeping a finger on the page he was at, and lifted it up.

“Les miserables.” she read. “Are you trying to learn French?”

“Yes. Do you know it?”

“A little. I studied it at my boarding school.” she said, sitting down next to him on a chair. “I could teach you if you want.”

“I’m fine.” he said, reopening the book.

“Let me see.”

“I said I’m fine. I don’t need any help.”

He looked at her and closed the book again.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered. “I don’t know what got to me.”

“It’s alright. I understand. You want to do it on your own.” she smiled and stood up.

Irene kissed him on the cheek, ruffling his hair and then left the library, her steps soft on the deep green carpet.

Baekhyun sighed and lighted another cigarette. Studying wasn’t going well that day; the letters were once again twisting on the page, paragraphs reread until they would get a meaning. The book was too hard.

He closed it and picked a different one from the small tower in front of him.

“You better study something more useful.”

“I think this is useful enough.”

“Well, if you had learnt while you were in school now you wouldn’t have to do it on your own. I could pay a tutor for you…” his father said.

Baekhyun looked at him and breathed out the smoke.

“I don’t need one.”

“Of course you don’t. At least study some political economy, finances, accounting…in 20 years, you’ll be the head of my empire.”

“Yours.” Baekhyun sneered. “Then pay someone to teach me.”

“You said you could do it on your own.” the man said, lightening a cigar. “Books are plenty and you did finish your studies at a good university after all. But nothing got in your head, did it?”

Baekhyun threw the book on the floor.

“That…is an editio princeps that cost me almost a fortune.”

“Why would I care?!”

“Because that will be yours, if you are willing to prove to me that you can become the man I want you to be. Not a little whiny child trying to learn French but failing repeatedly. You are like your mother.” the man said, puffing from the cigar as leaned on one of the glass door of one of the shelves.

“What do you know about my mother when all your life you’ve been cheating on her with cheap whores?!” Baekhyun shouted. “She died because of you. She killed herself because of you!”

“It was her choice, not mine…” his father said, his chest raising and falling. “But you are blood from my blood, and I would not see you become the wreck she had been. I need you to mature and change and take the world as it is. Cruel.”

“Fuck you and your fucking world!”

Baekhyun ran down the hallway and crashed against the door to Kyungsoo’s bedroom. He didn’t knock, just opened.

“Baekhyun?”

“I’m fine.” he whispered, his fingers leaving the knob.

They were sweaty and cold, but the rest of his body was too warm.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.” he said. “I just needed somewhere quiet to stay.”

“I could get some tea.”

“Okay.”

Kyungsoo left the room and Baekhyun sat on the bed, looking around the room that only had the bed, a closet and a desk near the window. The sheets were white cotton and when he picked a pillow, it smelled like laundry softener.

He smiled, thinking that there was Kyungsoo spending most of his days. Next to the bed, on the ground there was a book and on top of it a brown notepad.

“Tea.” Kyungsoo said, placing it on the desk.

“What are you reading?”

“Sherlock Holmes.”

“Oh…” Baekhyun said. “Smells like cinnamon.”

“Because I put a stick in it.” Kyungsoo said.

“Do you think I’m…childish?” he asked, leaning on the pillow he had placed on the headboard.

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“My mood.” Kyungsoo laughed.

“Don’t joke around. Just say if I am.”

“Sometimes, but I think we are all childish.” he said and sat next to him. “Baek…”

“The tea is getting cold.”

“Heey…” Kyungsoo said and grabbed him by the wrist. “Talk to me.”

“I should actually go. I shouldn’t be here.”

Kyungsoo let go of his hand and watched him get out through the door. He sighed, staring at the indent he left on his bed; still warm to the touch, showing the curves of his body.

Baekhyun found Irene standing in their shared bedroom, his old one, but one of the closest had her clothes instead of his. The curtains had been replaced, as well as the carpet. It smelled of lavender and body creams.

“Let’s go to the cinematograph tonight.” he said.

“Really?”

“Really.” he smiled, taking her warm hand into his cold one. “Get dressed.”

The night was even colder than the ones before. He asked Kyungsoo to drive them. At the cinema, right in front of it, he saw Chanyeol kissing a woman wearing a red coat.

“Baeekhyun!” he shouted, hugging him. “And Irene.”

Chanyeol kissed her gloved hand and the woman smiled, glancing at Baekhyun.

“I see you have company.”

“I brought a couple more friends with us. She has a few too.” he laughed, placing his hand on her back.

“Joy.”

“What a lovely name.” Baekhyun said. “Well, I hope this movie will be worth my time.”

“It will. It’s a musical. Singing in the rain.”

“I’m singing in the shower.”

They laughed and walked inside the building, Chanyeol offering to pay the tickets for everyone. The room was rather big, with red, velvety seats that kept going up and up in the back of it.

He sat down and next to him Irene, holding his hand. Kyungsoo was waiting for them outside.

“This feels so romantic.” Irene whispered to him.

Baekhyun kissed her cheek as the screen turned white and he closed his eyes. He felt sorry for Kyungsoo, sitting in the cold, near the car, waiting for them to finish. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought him there.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

“But you’ll miss the beginning.” Irene said.

“I’ll be quick.”

He ran down the hallway and pushed the exit doors as the man at the counter kept shouting something at him.

“What are you doing here?”

Baekhyun stopped in front of him.

“I…should have bought a ticket for you too.” he said.

“It’s fine.” Kyungsoo smiled, shaking his head.

“It’s not. You’re here, waiting in the cold after I’ve been unfair to you.”

“That’s my job.”

“Come on.” Baekhyun said, holding his hand.

“Go see the movie. I’ll go to a café or something.”

“Soo…”

“I’m serious. What will the rest think when they’ll see me there? What will your wife think?”

“Fine. Here.” he said and put a heap of money in his fist. “Eat something good.”

“Baek…”

“It’s an order.”

When he got back inside, the movie had already started. The music was blasting from the speakers, too loud for his liking.

“How is it?”

“Nice.” Irene whispered.

She intertwined her fingers with his and leaned on his shoulder. He couldn’t focus on the movie; but on Kyungsoo’s smile and longing to be held again in his arms. To be kissed by him and only him. Irene looked up at him and smiled.

He looked at her and then glanced at the screen. It was extremely noisy when the movie ended, Joy laughing while Chanyeol kept kissing her neck and cheeks in front of everyone.

“We should pay a visit to Jongdae and his wife.” Irene said, holding his hand.

“We should. You can choose the day.” Baekhyun said, still looking at them with a strange knot forming in his throat.

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow then.” he said.

Kyungsoo was waiting by the car when thy walked out of the cinema.

“Would you be soo kind to give us a ride home too?” Chanyeol asked.

“Let’s eat first.” Baekhyun said.

He looked at Kyungsoo who opened the passenger doors.

“I’ll stay in the front. We won’t fit in the back.” he said.

The engine started and he looked at Kyungsoo and then back through the window.

“What restaurant?” Chanyeol asked.

“Anywhere you want.”

He lighted a cigarette and opened the window. The smoke remained as a single cloud behind the car, lonely, breaking apart through the air. Sometimes, he wanted to be like it and disappear. Joy was laughing, loudly while Chanyeol was telling them some sort of jokes. He looked again at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo at him.

Right then, he wanted to be just the two of them in the car and drive right into nowhere. Stop the car and sit down on the asphalt to stare at the sky, only with him.

“Where are you going for the honeymoon?” Joy asked.

“We haven’t decided yet.” Irene said and Baekhyun sneered.

He wanted to say that there would be none, but he didn’t. The car stopped in front of a restaurant, with street lamps and wild roses in granite pots around the entrance. He stepped out and rubbed both hands over his arms.

“Hopefully they still have free tables.” Chanyeol said. “Sehun?!” he shouted, as a man was walking towards them.

“Baekhyun! Chanyeol!” he said.

“I thought you were still in the military.” Baekhyun said, shaking his hand. “This is my wife, Irene.”

Sehun slightly bowed down and kissed her hand. That time, Irene fully smiled without glancing at her husband.

“I returned one week ago.” he said. “And you, still free?”

“Still. But who knows?” Chanyeol raised an eyebrow and kissed Joy on the lips.

Baekhyun looked at Kyungsoo and breathed out. He was leaning on the car, crossed armed, staring somewhere on the asphalt. “You get inside. I want to smoke another cigarette.” he said.

“As you wish.” Chanyeol said.

He watched them all disappear into the restaurant through the wooden door, as if a huge mouth had swallowed them whole.

“Want one?” he asked.

“Sure.” Kyungsoo said. “Who’s this Sehun?”

“Former classmate.” Baekhyun huffed. “Can’t suffer him.”

Kyungsoo laughed.

“We could still run away.”

“Baek…”

“I’m serious. I hate these people.”

“Chanyeol is your friend.”

“In the absence of anything better. Sometimes I wish I were Jongdae.” he said, stepping closer to him.

“We’re in public.” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Then take me somewhere.”

“Where would you want to go?”

“The top of a hill where I can sit on my back on the grass, with a blanket on top of me and you by my side, looking at the sky.”

Kyungsoo laughed. “Sounds good.”

“Would you take me sometime?”

“I would…”

“Are you just saying it to stop me from nagging you?”

“No…” Kyungsoo grinned.

“Liar.”

“Baek…”

“Just promise we’ll go, okay?”

“Okay. We’ll go.” Kyungsoo said. “Now get inside.”

“You know you always order me around, don’t you?”

“Maybe.” he shrugged.

The air in the restaurant was thick like a cloud of smoke, smelling of food and people’s perfumes; too much noise coming from each table as everyone was laughing and shouting, with glasses filled with red wine next to them. He saw Irene at the table in the back, sitting next to Sehun who was saying something to her. The seat between her and Joy was free. Baekhyun looked back, through the fogged up window and wished he were still with Kyungsoo, away from those people.

He sat down.

“Sehun was just telling me about a man in the military who died because he had a panic attack one night.” she said.

“Did he?”

“It’s true.” Sehun said. “He didn’t even fight on the battlefront.” he laughed.

“Have you ordered?”

“Yes. For you too.” Irene said.

Sehun started telling another story after a while, everyone around looking at him and asking questions from time to time. He didn’t know most of those people, loud and cheerful, emptying bottles of wine and talking with mouthfuls.

“You are quiet tonight.” Chanyeol said to him from behind Joy.

“Just tired.”

“I would bet.” he laughed and the woman giggled too, glancing at him from behind her eyelashes.

Joy was wearing red lipstick, matching perfectly with her coat and stone that he had on her necklace.

“Is that a Ruby?” he asked.

“Yes.” she smiled, touching it with the tips of her fingers. “A gift from someone.”

Baekhyun sneered, taking another bite from his food.

“Have you planned for the honeymoon? Everybody goes to Verona or the Niagara Falls now.” someone across the table from him said.

Baekhyun supposed it was a friend of Sehun’s, still dressed in something resembling a military uniform.

“We are actually not going anywhere. Maybe to the country side.” he said, covering Irene’s hand with his own. “With everything going across the country, we don’t want to live so differently from the unfortunate people.”

“How generous of you.” the man laughed and Baekhyun knew that nobody believed it, not whoever was at the table with him. But it didn’t matter.

He was doing his duty.

“For the perfect couple!” Chanyeol said and raised his glass.

Everyone else followed suit and Sehun bowed his head to him with a slight smile. The clink of glass on glass, the sweet taste of wine going down his throat. The soft orange light coming from the candle in the center.

Baekhyun went straight to his bedroom and closed the door. He didn’t wait for Irene, only wanted to close his eyes and stand still on the bed. The night had tired him, the talks, the people, new faces and new voices, the happiness he had to squeeze from his every pore.

“Are you alright?” Irene asked, closing the door.

“I just want to sleep.” he said.

“Won’t you change your clothes?”

“I’m fine.”

“Is anything troubling you?” she asked, sitting down next to him.

Irene placed a hand over his forehead, brushing away some hair strands.

“I’m good. I’m going to smoke for a bit. Go to sleep.” he said and stood up.

“Are you upset with me? You didn’t look at me all night…”

“I’ve told you I’m fine, Irene. What else do you want me to do?”

“Nothing…” she whispered.

Baekhyun left the room and stopped. He breathed out and thought that he should have stayed and had sex with her, not leave. His fingers hovered over the door knob, ready to open the door again.

But he didn’t. Instead, he climbed the stairs and only stopped in front of another door. He knocked once.

“Baek…” Kyungsoo whispered.

“I can’t stay long.”

He closed the door and Baekhyun sat on the bed, pulling a cigarette packet from his pocket. “Have a lighter?” Kyungsoo gave him one and took a cigarette himself that he placed between his lips.

“I acted like an asshole to her today. Sooner or later she’ll realized I don’t love her. I mean, what idiot expects that?”

“Then you should try harder.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun laughed and breathed a cloud of smoke out. There was only a lamp lightning the room yellow and dusty.

“What did you buy with the money?”

“A hot dog.” he said.

“And with the rest?”

“I could give them to you if you want.”

“I gave them to you.” Baekhyun said. “You can do whatever you wish with them.”

“It makes me feel cheap.” Kyungsoo said.

“Why?”

“Almost like paying me for…”

Baekhyun laughed, tapping the cigarette butt on a small tray.

“You haven’t done much yet to deserve the money.”

It was Kyungsoo’s turn to laugh. “You said you want stay long.”

“I can change my mind.”

“Don’t.”

Baekhyun smiled and shifted closer to him until their thighs were touching. He took a deep breathe in and came centimeters close to the other’s mouth.

“Kiss me?”

Kyungsoo cupped his face and leaned in until their lips touched. He didn’t move, delighted to feel how soft Baekhyun’s mouth was on his. He licked his bottom lip and Baekhyun giggled, placing a hand over his chest. It was warm, almost too warm and if it weren’t for the lingering nicotine taste, his mouth would have tasted sweet again. A hand rested on his crouch, slowly at first moving over his growing erection.

“You shouldn’t do that…” he whispered.

“Why?”

“It’s late…”

“And?”

“And…you said you won’t stay long.”

“Who said you’ll last long?” Baekhyun smirked, never stopping his fingers from moving.

Kyungsoo pushed him forward until he was standing on his lap. He kissed him deeper while his fingers were moving then over both of them.

“I didn’t think…” he whispered, taking hold of his hair, “you would know how to…”

“I imagined it would feel good.” Kyungsoo said.

Baekhyun left being lighter and at the same sadder. His bedroom didn’t feel welcoming anymore, but like a burden.

“Did you fall asleep?” he asked.

“Not yet.” she whispered, turning to face him.

“I’m sorry. I…sometimes I get angry for no reason.”

“It’s okay.”

“Come here.” he said and Irene snuggled at his chest, smiling lightly.

The next few days were spent visiting orphanages with Irene, all across their city and then country, with Kyungsoo by their side, as the driver.

It was part of the post wedding itinerary, created especially by his father and placed on his desk the next morning for him to read. At the bottom of it there was a small list of books. Baekhyun took two with him and started reading them at night, while Irene was sleeping soundlessly next to him.

On the 5th night, somewhere in a smaller town in the Northern part of the country, he sneaked out of bed, still carrying one of the books, and went to Kyungsoo’s room, right next to theirs. It only had a one person bed and a closet, 4 times smaller than theirs.

He sat in bed next to him and opened the book again, with the brown notepad and a pen next to him.

“What’s that?”

“The wealth of nations by Adam Smith.” Baekhyun said.

“Your father…”

Baekhyun nodded. He leaned on his shoulder and listened to his heartbeats.

“Can I sleep here?”

“Won’t Irene notice?”

“She sleeps like a log.” he said. “I just…need some decent company.”

“Am I only decent for you, a replacement for someone even worse?”

“Shut up.” Baekhyun laughed and kissed him on the lips. “I need to finish this until we get back. It’s so…who reads this kind of stuff and thinks it’s interesting?”

“Not you, of course.”

“Not me…”

“Come here…” Kyungsoo said and squeezed him in his arms, tight, as if to drip out of him the last bit of life.

He kissed him on the cheek and breathed in his faint rose scent mixed with nicotine and sweat.

“Now read your book.” he said and let go of him.

“What will you do?”

“Read this.” he pointed to a small book on the night stand.

Baekhyun woke up in his arms, warm, maybe too warm, with the sun coming through the glass of the window. The book was still on the bed, closed.

“What time is it?”

“Late.” Kyungsoo whispered in his ear.

He bit down the side of his cheek and stood up, stretching his body. Baekhyun watched him, smiling. A knock at the door.

“Fuck.” he whispered.

Baekhyun hid his head underneath the duvet as Kyungsoo gave him a quick before he opened the door halfway.

“Good morning!”

“Good morning! Have you seen my husband?”

It was Irene’s voice and Baekhyun knew that if she would peak a little more, she would see a raise in the covers, one resembling a body. His.

“No, I’ve just woke up.” he said.

“Then he might be outside, smoking. If you see him…never mind.” she whispered. “Thank you.”

Kyungsoo closed the door. Baekhyun threw the duvet aside.

“That was close.”

“Close only? What if she walked inside and found you here? What would have happened then? I assume nothing that bad to you since you have your father to protect you no matter what. But me?” Kyungsoo asked.

“I didn’t make you let me sleep here. You wanted just as much.”

“Do I have a choice?!”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Keep your voice low.” Kyungsoo whispered, pacing around the room.

“What was that supposed to mean? That you only stay with me because I want to? Because I’m selfish and you have no other choice?”

Kyungsoo sighed, keeping quiet.

“I thought you wanted me just as much. That’s what I thought.”

Baekhyun stood up from the bed and put his robe back on top of his pajamas. “I was wrong then and I’m only the bad person again, succumbing you to my own dirty wishes and desires.”

“Baek…” Kyungsoo said and grabbed his wrist.

“No. I’m not Baek to you right now. I’m Byun Baekhyun, your superior.”

The rest of the week passed without talking to one another, as Baekhyun wouldn’t leave any room for them to be alone, without Irene or somebody else to be in their presence. Slowly, the beginning of autumn faded into the beginning of winter, one that started from the first day with a snow that blocked all the roads and covered people’s lawns.

After a while, he had started missing Kyungsoo’s presence. As the weather was only cold and biting the skin, he had been spending his time in the library that was perpetually smelling of smoke from his cigarettes. Baekhyun started smoking more and more and eating less and less, until Irene pointed that to him. He wished Kyungsoo would come to him, but he was barely even speaking a couple of words in his presence. The tome of books on the table was growing taller and taller until one day, some fell straight on his hand, as he was writing something in a new brown notepad; the last one he had stolen from Kyungsoo and has used as much as he could as the first few pages had had his handwriting on them.

His father was giving him more volumes to read; the outings were increasing as much as the Christmas Balls and all the invites from different beneficiaries. But no matter how much he did, how much he read over and over, repeating the words and phrases in his head and then saying them out loud, he felt like it wasn’t enough.

Day by day, Baekhyun felt like he was growing less capable of learning anything new. His head seemed to him made out of stone. At times, he would rip papers apart and throw them everywhere on the carpet of the library, staring at his slanted handwriting. All his thoughts would go towards Kyungsoo and the need to have him close.

At night, surrounded by people, he was smiling for the camera flashes, keeping Irene in his arms, by his side.

When Christmas came, he felt no joy. Only a wet, slippery feeling in his chest, growing wider and wider. In the hallway, there was a big tree, smelling of pinecone and the woods, decorated with white, twinkling lights and red globes with painted scenes on them. The entire house smelled like clementines and cinnamon.

He had bought Irene a diamond and ruby necklace that had cost him a fortune, which she opened at the Christmas table in front of their family and friends; all the women looked at her with big eyes and opened mouths when Baekhyun placed around her thin, white neck, the small stones dangling right above the plumpness of her breasts. They glimmered in the light of the chandeliers and Jongdae patted him on the back with a smile. Even their child, Jongin, was with them, crying from time to time as he needed to be fed.

Kyungsoo was there too, standing in a corner and when their eyes met, Baekhyun felt a strange warmth raise up to his cheeks.

“Excuse me.” he said and left the room, followed right afterwards by the other.

Baekhyun entered one room at random and closed the door. He counted the heartbeats in his head and after 10, Kyungsoo came inside. It was dark, but he didn’t turn on the light.

He kissed him, hard on the lips and bit his bottom one until it started bleeding out. “I missed you…” he whispered.

Kyungsoo wrapped both arms around him, pressing him at his chest. “I just really missed just having you close to me.” Baekhyun said. “Didn’t you?” he looked up at his face and Kyungsoo kissed him all over his face, stopping at his lips.

“Baekhyun!” someone shouted from the hallways, the footsteps stopping right in front of the door.

They both stepped aside, his heart beating faster and faster in his ears, only waiting for the door to be opened. It did.

“They are serving the cake.” Jongdae said, looking from one to another with a purse of his lips. “You should go, people will start to wonder.”

He turned around and left without another word.

“Did you tell him?” Kyungsoo whispered.

“Nobody knows.” Baekhyun said and ran down the hallway after Jongdae. “Did you follow us?”

“I knew for a while now.” he said, stopping from walking. “You should be more careful. Both of you.”

“Did you tell anybody?”

Jongdae laughed. “Of course not. Now, let’s go. People are waiting. Straighten your shirt.”

He couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the night, only thinking about the fact that someone knew about him and Kyungsoo. Sooner or later more would, and then what would he do?

“Are you feeling sick?” Irene asked him.

“I think I ate something I didn’t like.” he whispered back to her. “You look even more beautiful with this necklace.”

She smiled, touching it with the tips of her fingers. “I have something to tell you. Afterwards.”

Baekhyun swallowed, feeling his throat becoming extremely dry. Kyungsoo didn’t come afterwards to the dining room and for some reason that made everything even more unsettling. He would have felt better having him by his side.

“I’m pregnant.” Irene told him once everyone had left.

Baekhyun didn’t say anything because he if he had had, only a laugh would have come out. It seemed so amusing to him that he would in the end be a father, sooner than he had expected or ever wanted. The idea didn’t seem to settle into his mind not even the next day or days to come, he couldn’t take it seriously.

Kyungsoo was avoiding him, only his father had suddenly become warmer to him after the news delivered by Irene.

It was all over the newspaper, underneath the big, bold title a picture of them from their wedding day, when he had kissed her. The perfect couple having their first child. He laughed, placing the newspaper on the table.

Sehun paid them a visit one day, all alone, telling other stories to which Irene would laugh, touching her rounding belly at times through her burgundy dress. Baekhyun felt like an animal caught in a cage. The cage was Irene’s pregnancy, the reality that with a child coming, he would be tied to her for eternity, with monthly papers showing them taking the child to the doctor, taking the child to the zoo, holding the child in his arms, giving his child the first bike.

He hated all of the thoughts, the idea of becoming a parent so abruptly, without anyone asking him any question, whether or not he was okay with that.

Everyone would congratulate them, only Jongdae would smile at him, but without joy in his eyes. They weren’t talking about it because there was nothing to, as Kyungsoo kept avoiding him every single day. He had no one to discuss anything with, even though he was surrounded by so many people.

“Maybe…” Irene said to him one night as she was apply some cream on her hands, “maybe you should give up smoking after our child is born.”

“Alright.” he said and went to sleep, turning his back to her.

Irene’s belly was growing larger and larger, flaunting it in his face as her dresses were getting bigger too, and everything she was doing was slow and careful, her hands always on that bump. At least he didn’t have to touch her, only kiss her on the cheek and lips from time to time, feeling them dry on his. He didn’t know if she had noticed, but he didn’t care.

His father had started calling him to his meetings, taking part in the decisions regarding their ‘empire’. From time to time, he would put a hand on his back and smile. He felt like a good dog, listening to his master’s orders.

His life didn’t seem like his anymore, but of the masses. Everything he was doing was discussed, published. The man he had hated most was telling him what to say, what to do and he was following suit, no longer saying anything.

In 2 months, Irene was about to give birth.

It was the end of spring already, but the warmth was not seeping into his bones. He was watching Kyungsoo pass on the hallways and not look at him, avert his gaze to the floor. After a while, he had started working only for his father.

At night, Baekhyun would stay wide awake and think about him, about the first day that they had met, about his fingers on his skin and the hot water on his body. He wasn’t taking baths anymore.

When spring came, there were picnics and more visits to orphanages and children centers and speeches in public places, talking about how great their country was. How strong after a war.

He would then get off the stage, go to Irene and kiss her, cupping her cheek.

“You did really well.” she said.

“Truthfully?”

“Yes. You are becoming more and more charming.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” he said as Irene kept straightening his tie.

“How is with that deal?”

“Good. We’ll close it on Tuesday.” he said.

Irene knew almost everything that he knew; he wasn’t keeping those kind of secrets from her as, most of the time, she had proved herself more than useful in advising him in those matters. For a while, since she couldn’t do many things with her growing belly, she had started reading his books.

He was envious of her, of her intelligence.

“Good.” she smiled. “You deserve it.”

They were making a good team, if he thought about it, but not after that while, he couldn’t feel himself attracted to her or her body. He could appreciate its beauty but nothing more; it only seemed like a painting or statue to him.

One night, he saw Kyungsoo on the hallway, coming out of a room with a tray in his hands. He walked straight to him and stopped in front of him.

“I miss you.” Baekhyun said.

He felt like he had no pride left.

“I have to bring this tray to the kitchen.” Kyungsoo said.

“Didn’t you hear me? I said that I miss you…you must feel something too. At least a little bit…”

“I’m sorry, but I need to go.”

Baekhyun grabbed his wrist and Kyungsoo dropped the tray on the floor with the clink of cutlery and porcelains falling on the carpet.

“You said you liked me.”

“You made me do it.”

Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s not true…I didn’t make you do any of that…”

“You were my master. I couldn’t say no or else I would have ended up like your last assistant. You didn’t give me any choice so I had to give in to your wishes.” Kyungsoo said and picked the tray and everything else from the floor.

Baekhyun watched him do it as his throat felt impaled by hundreds of needles.

“You are lying.”

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo said and left.

Baekhyun felt sorry too, but for himself. That realization made him so disgusted that he had the need to rip his skin apart from his body. He sat down on the bed and stared down at his arms, at his blue veins underneath the skin; he traced them with his finger, slowly, up and down, pressing down at times to feel the pulse.

When Irene came inside, he didn’t know how much time it had passed. The room was dark and shadowy.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Nothing. Just thinking.” he said, looking at her.

“I feel so heavy and bloated.”

“I feel the same.” he said and sat on his back on the bed.

“There’s something on your mind.”

“More than something.”

“You know, when I first met you, that day in your father’s office,” she said, shifting around to face him while a hand still rested on her round belly, “I thought you would be such a difficult husband to deal with. There was that air around and the walk through the maze and your kiss. It feels like years ago when it’s only last summer.”

“I’m not the same person anymore.” he said. “You aren’t either.”

“I liked that you better in a way.” Irene said. “There was…a spark there.” she laughed. “I’m sorry. Now you are…different. I don’t see it anymore, like it just vanished.”

“Maybe it did.” Baekhyun sighed.

“Do you love me?” she asked, tracing her fingers across his forehead. “Not for the cameras or our friends. But honestly, do you?”

Baekhyun breathed out and waited for a while.

“I envy you.” he said. “More than anything I envy your intelligence, the fact that you went through those books so fast and knew everything in them so well, when it took me weeks and…” Baekhyun shook his head. “I envy you and…I respect you but…”

“You don’t love me.”

“No, I don’t.” he said.

Her fingers didn’t stop caressing his face, they were getting higher, into his hair.

“I do. Even if you don’t. And I’ll love our child and…I fell in love with that first day I saw you in the library, so…impudent and-and…I am not that. I won’t oblige you to love me if you can’t, but I cannot stop myself from doing so.” she said, breathing out. “You can sleep with other women, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t.” Baekhyun said.

He received the news not long after; Kyungsoo was leaving for the country side on the same day. The car was already in front of the house, a courtesy of his father, to bring him to the train station. Baekhyun watched him pack his suitcase in the back of the car in the hot summer sun.

“I’ll drive him.” he said to the man standing in the front.

“Yes, sir.”

Kyungsoo glanced at him and closed the trunk.

“That’s the least I can do.” he said.

They didn’t talk during the ride, even though Baekhyun would throw him glances from time to time, as the train station would get closer and closer. He stopped the engine and walked out of the car to open the trunk. A woman’s voice could be heard from the speakers, announcing a new train.

“That’s mine.” Kyungsoo said.

He took the luggage from his hand and their fingers touched for a brief second. Baekhyun breathed out, long and shaky. They walked towards the platform, watching the train approach with its headlights on, in a background of honks and people’s voices. It stopped, right in front of them.

He bit the insides of his mouth and waited for Kyungsoo to get inside the train. Kyungsoo went up the three steps, looked behind and silently mouthed something that resembled: “Baek…”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. It couldn’t have been what he said. It couldn’t.

Baekhyun watched the train leave the platform covered in the dust that was rising from the rails. It gained speed, only the tail of it remaining in his view, before that also turned into the dust that remained behind.

He fell down, hugging his knees and stayed like that for a while. The station was empty as everybody else was already inside the red brick building behind the single set of rails.

His life went back to normal. It didn’t really feel like Kyungsoo was really gone, because every time he would walk on the hallways, he would hope that Kyungsoo would appear from behind a corner, smiling at him. After another 1 month and a half, Irene gave birth to a girl that they named Seulgi, after his mother.

She was small and wrinkly, wrapped in diapers and blankets. The crib was in their room and her cries would wake him up during the night. He would stand up and walk up to Seulgi, take her up in her arms, swing her around until Irene would wake up to feed her again.

With her small, black eyes she was looking at him sometimes, extending her fat, short arms towards his neck and hair, pulling at the strands. Seulgi was pink and small and soft in his arms, falling asleep on his belly. Her little face was plastered on all the newspapers, next to theirs, coming out of the hospital.

After 2 months, he asked his father about where Kyungsoo had gone in the countryside. The man didn’t ask any questions, only wrote something on a piece of paper that he gave to him. Baekhyun wasn’t sure if he knew, but he didn’t want to find out.

He told Irene he needed to go somewhere with some business and once again, he didn’t want to know whether or not she believed him. It was enough that he could leave. He took the car, the first time after Kyungsoo had left, and drove slower than usual.

After 4 hours, he stopped in front of a white fence with small trees all around it. In the yard, he could see some chicken and hens, turkeys and ducks, walking around and pecking at the grass and flowers. He pushed the gate and stepped on a small, trodden path that lead to the back of that yard where there was a house and an outbuilding.

“Hello…” he said, looking around.

“Baekhyun?”

Kyungsoo walked out of the main house, tanned, only wearing a white shirt and a pair of dirty, blue pants.

“I came to see you because…” he whispered.

“I’ll bring some chairs.” Kyungsoo said and got inside.

He came out afterwards holding two wooden chairs in each hand that he placed underneath a big walnut.

“Is this your house?” he asked.

“My parents’, but they died last year, so yes.”

“It’s very nice.”

“Yeah…still needs a lot of work. You’ve seen the trees in the back that I’ve just planted, I suppose.”

“Yes. And the poultry.” Baekhyun said.

“Some neighbors gave me eggs and some hens. Little gifts.” he laughed.

Baekhyun smiled, glancing down at his finger nails. He then looked at Kyungsoo’s, bitten and slightly dirty.

“Sorry. I’ve just finished working in the garden.”

“It’s fine. Do…you have a job here?”

“I work at a factory, 10 kilometers away from here. The pay is good.”

“Are you…living alone?” Baekhyun asked.

“I am.”

“Uhm…I am happy for you, that you like it here.” he said and stood up. “I wouldn’t be able to adapt to such a place.”

“I know.” Kyungsoo laughed.

Baekhyun felt like something had broken between them. He couldn’t talk as freely as before with him, as they had used to, or at least, for his part. In front of him it didn’t seem to be the same person that he had met one year ago, but someone else. Maybe that could have been said for him too.

Kyungsoo was looking at him and Baekhyun didn’t know what else to say.

“I could make some tea.”

“It’s alright. I think I should be going, anyways.”

“Oh, alright.”

In the end, maybe Kyungsoo hadn’t lied; maybe he hadn’t actually felt anything for him and had only imagined everything.

“I’ll come with you to the car.” he said and stood up.

“Okay.”

“Baek…”

He turned around, hearing his name being called. It all came to him, that first day and the ones following. Kyungsoo smiled and Baekhyun stopped in front of him, inhaling until his lungs started burning. He let him wrap both arms around his middle to pull him at his chest.

“Tell me…did you lie that day?” Baekhyun asked, glancing up to see him.

“Yes…” he said, covering his entire face, neck and fingers in small kisses. “How much I missed you…”

“Then why…did you do it?”

Kyungsoo kissed him on the lips and Baekhyun couldn’t remember how they got inside the house.

“To protect you…”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Shhh…” he whispered.

“What are we going to do?”

“Let’s not think about it right now…I just want to hold you in my arms.”

“Do you?”

“More than anything.” he said and kissed him. “I know what we should do.”

“Huh?”

“It’s something you told me a while ago…and I never got the chance to bring you there. But now I can.”

He took his hand into his and they got outside the house, back in the yard. “It’s close.” he said.

“Where are we going?” Baekhyun asked, smiling.

“You’ll like it. It’s getting dark too.”

They finally stopped at the end of the dirt road, exactly on the hill top that was right above a lake and a big, black stretch of land. Only the water was reflecting the light coming from the moon, the soft waves white as they crashed on the superficial shore.

Baekhyun sat down on his back and looked up at the sky.

“Thank you.” he said.

“I promised.” Kyungsoo said and kissed him on the check.

“Well, it’s better than I have imagined.”

Kyungsoo laughed and intertwined their fingers, putting their hands in the air, above their heads.

“What will we do?” Baekhyun asked.

“Let’s leave that for later.”

He sighed, focusing on a star that kept glittering somewhere on his left. “Promise to never leave me again, at least?”

Kyungsoo didn’t give him the answer straight away as he let their arms touch the cool grass; he closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of Baekhyun’s fingers next to his, the softness of the skin, the faint scent of roses and lavender coming from him.

“Things are different for you now.”

“Thank you for reminding me.”

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“I am not. Usually.” he laughed, pressing his body at the other’s chest. “You should see Seulgi. She’s very pretty and looks a lot like me.”

“She’s only a baby, she can’t look like you.”

“Well, I want her to.” Baekhyun laughed.

He looked down at Kyungsoo’s face, pale in the moonlight, and traced the contours of his lips and nose.

“Let’s talk about something else.” he said.

“Baek…I can understand. I’m not that dumb not to.”

“Well, I can’t right now, so let’s just stare at the freaking sky while you hold me in your arms and say that I am the most perfect human being that can be and then you kiss my hair and…just let’s not talk about anything that’s not here.”

“Okay…” Kyungsoo whispered. “Baek…”

He closed his eyes and softly kissed him on the lips, thinking that it might have been the last time to do so.

“I love you…” he whispered.

“I know.”

 

-

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are well loved:)


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